As I embark on a journey of self-discovery, I'm finding myself dipping into the past when I was hospitalized for the first time. The whole world seemed like it was against me and I've chronicled this journey in my memoir-
Falling Into Peaces. As I am reaching new levels of self acceptance, I am reminded of how I felt them. I felt that I was the victim of a crime and that the world was responding inappropriately to me, back in 2003. I was so confused, I stopped eating even. What would have been different if people had listened to my story of victimization and honored it. How would I have received medication differently. What if people had had the time to really listen. I was there for a month or more, but it seemed I was hardly heard. I had a friend tell me they felt their story of being a victim of a crime would be less believable, if her diagnosis were bipolar disorder instead of PTSD. I was flown back in memory to my hospitalization. How do we honor victims of crime and keep safety for all in the community? I am a woman of many fears, they are like my children. They cry to me to avoid this or that, and I helplessly listen. I beginning to realize I'm not so helpless and that I can honor my fears with compassion by accepting them as survival skills.
I feel much freer to choose today, because I realize my fears are there to keep me safe. I can choose to honor them. I can also choose to unplug from them in love, when I don't need them anymore. Some of the things that I am afraid of simply aren't around me and sometimes they really are. Sometimes I want to take a risk that goes against my fears, like when I am assisting some like myself unplug from their fears. So the further I travel down the road, I am realizing I carry my past with me into the future. I don't live in the past, but it is part of me. How do we honor all parts of a person in the hospital. I feel like my fears were always the subject of medication until now. How do we honor our human fears? I've learned to love them, I wish that self-compassion were a part of the larger society, behavioral health and beyond.
