Pushing Forward Despite Yourself

There are times in my life that I have believed that certain rites of passage wouldn't come into my life.  I stood with this belief and then pretended that more would come my way, just simply walking in two directions at the same time.  Its not an easy dance, but its become a way of not only surviving- but also achieving. 

I never believed that I would find a marriage partner.  I simply thought I had too much baggage for anyone to put up with me for longer than temporarily.  I pressed forward and hoped against all hope.  I wrote an online ad and went on a ridiculous number of dinners in public places.  If you do advertise online, its good to be very cautious.  This wasn't the way I ended up meeting my husband, but I think stating my intention of defying the past helped.  I ended up meeting him by accident at a salsa club, doing something I love.  So, I am a firm believer in meeting people based on activities that you have in common, that just makes sense.

I never believed my relatives would come to my wedding.  I thought that with all the years I had lived with a mental health condition that this would be too much for them to consider me as an equal.  I didn't let it stop me from inviting them and throwing a big wedding party.  To my surprise almost everyone was there.  It was an awesome moment and I will never forget the beauty of that moment.

I never believed that I could find a job that fit me.  I didn't think I held the skills to work as the Director of Consumer Relations and Recovery Section in Georgia, but I just pretended my skills were good enough.  I ended up interviewing and my supervisor said it was the 'best interview' she ever had.   I was honored to be selected for the position, which became a whole new career direction.

I never believed I would get the opportunity to have my own child.  I mentored other people's kids with love, but thought the moment would never come for me.  I still believed against all hope and searched diligently for the right psychiatrist to assist me with preparing to have a child.  It took lots of research and hope.  I never got an opportunity to thank my psychiatrist for changing my medication regiment, because he his practice closed after his ethics were called into question.  I was lucky that I transferred the clinical supervision of my condition to a clinical social worker during that time.  My son today is a beautiful, precious light in my life. 

Its so easy to have self-defeating beliefs, when you face the serious challenges with a behavioral health condition.  My best advice, is to not let your own thoughts stop you.  Continue to reach out and push forward.  Sometimes the outcomes we desire don't happen on our own clock, but with hope dreams are an absolute possibility in my experience.