I think it is important to talk about suicide among those of
us with mental health diagnoses. If we
remain silent, those around us will too.
Feeling suicidal is quite common.
One person dies by suicide every 15 minutes and it is the 11th
leading cause of death in the US, according to the American Psychological
Association (1). Of those of us with
mental health conditions, we are particularly at risk. Multiple studies have found that 90% or more
of people that die by suicide had a mental disorder at the time of their death,
the most common one being depression (2).
I remember that in college, while earning my master’s degree
that one sign of depression was being slowed down that the feeling was like ‘walking
through pea soup’. Well, as a survivor
of depression, I had found the experience to be much more painful. It is like an open wound that stings loudly
inside that you would do anything to silence.
The worst part is that it can’t be seen.
I remember in my college years, I would go to school and do my best to
learn. When I came home and put my books
down, I would cry endlessly. It was a
cry that would erupt every evening for months.
I wondered if everyone was so unhappy with life. Nothing about life seemed good. Food and activities seemed like there was a
big gray film drawn over them. I would
just cry at home alone. The sadness was
like a pool that didn’t end. I began to
devalue myself and got hooked up with people that devalued me. I numbed my pain with alcohol. Finally, I began to consider suicide as an
opportunity to end it all. I had one
thread left and that was reaching out to the therapist that I had been avoiding
calling, because my father said that he would be fired from his job if I used
his insurance to access mental health benefits.
I decided in that moment that my life was more important
that my father’s job and I picked up the phone called the insurance company and
accessed a therapist. She over time
changed the way I looked at the world, the way I thought, and even the
activities and friendships that seemed to be leading me further into the abyss. It took time and an antidepressant helped,
along with knowing I wasn’t walking alone.
I am finding myself really angry about Robin Williams’s
death. Whatever is keeping you from
reaching out and finding some assistance, please fight for your life. Today
there is a national hotline: 800-273-TALK that folks can call, making it even
easier to break down barriers to getting assistance in that moment of
desperation.
I have created a beautiful life around me, I wouldn’t have
known this was possible then, but it just takes time. I have a son and a husband that keep me
laughing during the painful times and remind me that life can be fun. There are many people out there to connect
with and create times of joy. One other
great way to connect with others I have found is peer support. There are other people with behavioral health
conditions that reach out and support each other. We share wellness resources, stories, and
even design conferences, like Alternatives.
It’s not that I live a pristine life free from all suffering, but
I have some amazing tools to deal with the challenges. Some I have designed, some fellow peers have
designed, and some come from professionals.
Reach out and don’t sit in silence.
