Finding Myself in the Quiet Moments

Most Thanksgivings are full of activity and bustle for people.  Ever since we moved to Nebraska, there has been a slower tempo at the holiday.  Every one is special, because I have my son now and I never had him to celebrate before.  We just do not have extended family, so unless we spend $1000 or so in travel- there is just less.  This year is even slower because my husband is working on the holidays.  There are more quiet moments that I must be still in or enrich with activity.  It's the sacrifice our family makes to be in Nebraska.  It's been difficult to give up our traditions and yet we have new ones.  There is the nativity city at Cristo Rey and peach pie from Eustis, Nebraska.  There is a tree farm we find every year.  So, I asked my son this year what is he most thankful for and he said, 'Family'.  I am most thankful for the family and friends that we do have and the simple fact that I can handle the quiet moments in my own way.  

Addiction the Life Sucking Force that I Left Behind

I have often disclosed challenges related to alcohol, but never shared my story of addiction.  I was totally stuck.  I was around people that gave me a sense of belonging, but yet suck the life force out of you totally.  I hated my job and I drank at work to be able to stay there.  I only worked to stay in school.  My drinking spiraled out of control over time, when I met an occult priest.  My life of school was totally ditched, I sold my books and withdrew from all my classes to support my life with him, and the only thing that kept me alive was the vodka in the freezer.  At my lowest point I left the apartment where he kept me, I walked down the road in my pajamas drunk.  I was walking down a busy road with cars honking at me.  He pulled over to pick me up and take me back.  And in that same moment, I knew I had to go.  I hated my life with him, it totally sucked.  He left me bankrupt financially, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically.  I wanted to die.  He left me, because one day I started screaming uncontrollably.  I was so miserable.  He placed his shoulder in my mouth to muffle the screams and in that moment he realized what he was doing was wrong and he left.  I quickly became suicidal again and this time I got angry about it.  I called a psychologist and engaged in a 14 year relationship.  There was no drug and alcohol treatment.  Just talking.  I walked in and out of my misery till I quit drinking, figured out how to excel in school, and then finally started an antidepressant and I moved to another city to get my master's degree.  Then I became happy.  I still made poor choices, but I was happy and progressively made better and better choices.  I decided all my brain cells are important and I quit drinking forever.  This action supported my wellness and continues to.  Sanctuary came as I was sober and made better choices about who to be around and whom to not be around.  The cognitive components of psychotherapy didn't hurt either.  Medication is a constant, but only because I encountered bipolar disorder after this sobriety, sanctuary, and wellness was engaged.  My education only allowed me to dream bigger than big.  Education was my ultimate freedom.

Investing in Integration

Medical treatment is what many people focus their sights on when they encounter a behavioral health condition. The diagnosis itself can separate them from their community out of fear and stigma.  The recovery movement in the United States is focused on mentoring people back into their communities with natural supports.  A more integrated person may rely less on their medical system for support.

Traditionally behavioral health service providers have not been allowed to invest in socialization, like boardgames.  And while I agree board games are trivial in the grand scheme of integration, I believe we may have missed huge areas of social capital in terms of building integration.  Surveys and research indicate that stigma and discrimination is thick in our communities, and I think the recovery movement should do something about it. 

Why can't we have huge integration efforts where people have face-to-face encounters with people that have behavior health conditions.  There could be integrated public speaking forums, institutes within the school system, Sporting events dedicated to the art of integration, and more.  You see some of this work in the developmental disability community, particularly in Australia.  I think we don't fund social integration on the same scale in behavioral health because were striving for autonomy.  Autonomy is a great goal, but so are integrated relationships in communities that appreciate the courage of people with behavioral health conditions.

Why do we have to "fail" to get somewhere with insurance companies?

I have a wellness plan in place, but even the best wellness plan doesn't keep me from strong feelings about suicide, until recently.  Recently I began a new drug via samples from my APRN.  After months of taking it, we found out people are being told that they have to "fail" three antidepressants before they can take it.  So, I was really worried about this because after months of being free of suicidal thoughts, I might have to lose all this wellness.  So, I called the insurance company.  They tell me its on the formulary, just send in my prescription.  So I do and I wait.  I even get an email that its on the way, but something is fishy about how long its taking so I call.  I find out that they have to have my doctor fill out a form before they will give me the drug she prescribed that is on their formulary!  Can you believe this?  A good friend of mine just went into the world of disability because she can't find the right concoction for her condition.   Another friend had to "fail" six drugs to get the treatment she wanted.  Then I find something that works and I have to prove something to get what my doctor says I need and the formulary covers?  No wonder people complain about the complexities of the behavioral health system.  We can't even just get drugs that work, when we need them. I'm waiting on the answer, but I shouldn't be waiting.  The healthcare system should consider quality of life, people being well enough to pay taxes, and never making people "fail" to be well.

Global Peer Supporter Celebration Day is all about inclusion!

A friend asked me to post my story for Global Peer Supporter Celebration Day and when I think about peer support I think that its all about inclusion.  Before I was introduced to peer support, I lived a life of hiding and feeling half-human.  I nursed my wounds of my trauma secretly and did my best to fit in with the world around me.  After I found peer support, I realized that all my secrets that doctors called psychosis had another name, peers called them truth.  I found myself suddenly believable and more of a person.  As I was accepted on a profound level like never before, I realized that I could have close alliances again.  Suddenly, my sense of community got bigger, because I could see where I belonged.  

     Today I filmed some people talking about their recovery. Sharing the word of recovery with others is what peer support is about.  The more we invest in peer support, the more we will invest in true inclusion.   The point of the film is to create a new peer support service that will result in great community inclusion.

     Another part of inclusion is really believing in people's ability to recover.  That means everyone can, something that my early teachers taught me to never question.  This takes strength, because lots of people want to divide the "good" people from the "bad" people.  The reality is that we are all human and we all deserve an opportunity to experience rebirth in the recovery and peer support movement.  

It was a great day for recovery and peer support, and ultimately inclusion.  I'm so lucky I have work that is so close to my heart.  (Pictured is me and Mike Wight, a videographer)

Adding Choice in an Hour One May Need It Most by Carol Coussons de Reyes

       While I have never been in secluded or restrained in a room by healthcare providers, I have slept in a restraint room.  The door was not locked and it was the only quiet space I could find for sleeping at the time.  I have witnessed seclusion and restraint procedures and they are very frightening to me, as a person with a mental health condition.  The fights that break out in hospitals are equally frightening. 

I had a brainstorm about this procedure that could make it more humane.  What if in the hour when a person is separated from the world, and at times immobilized by the hands of people they hardly know, choices were introduced?  Could this empower the individual to reach beyond the trauma of the moment? 

What if the person was offered a menu of choices during these procedures, like:

a)    Would you like someone in the room with you during the procedure?

b)   Would you like to see a particular image on the wall?

c)    Would you like to smell a particular scent that is soothing to you?

d)   Would you like to speak with someone who will listen? (I have never instigated a fight, but if I had I imagine that I would want to vent.  What if there was a ventilator available- someone to listen to the person rant?).

I don’t really have the expertise to understand what the result of such human touches might have on this procedure.  I do understand that seclusion and restraint procedures are about safety and not about punishment, so adding to this medical procedure seems to make sense to me.  It’s the same things that I do to deal with my trauma, find an image to hone in on and a scent that will place me in a better place upstairs in my mind.  If I didn’t have friends to call, when I’m angry, I’m not sure where I would be. 

All of these tools should be offered up entrance to the hospital, because perhaps having such tools available to practice with could prevent the procedure all together. 

  

Recovery and Wellness: Measuring Individual Differences

There are a lot of people investing a lot of energy in measuring individuals with recovery measures.  They say so and so is more recovered, and so and so is less recovered.  There are terms like "Advanced Recovery".  I believe this to be an error in judgement, because everyone has recovery skills and saying someone is more recovered than another just sounds silly.  Recovery is non-linear.  The person with a history of alcohol addition, is only one drink away from returning.   The person with a mental health condition may find themselves in the throws of trauma or a former state, through events that have nothing to do with recovery.  I firmly believe that we are beings that contain all that we need to be whole, something introduced to me recently.  I firmly believe what we should be measuring individuals on is not recovery, but actually wellness in its 8 dimensions: http://www.samhsa.gov/wellness-initiative/eight-dimensions-wellness.  We have a high degree of variance here and that is where the real telling outcomes lie.   There are wellness skills that people can learn and there are external factors that impact our wellness that we can work on.  The area seems rich and fruitful in measuring how effective programs actually are.  Wellness also goes right to the heart of the disparity that we are living in the middle of.  Statistics say we die 2 decades earlier than our peers, when we measure and try to impact wellness, we are at the heart of where true change must occur.  When we talk about wellness we are looking at a measure pivotal to all people and there is a sense of equality in that to me.