Inclusion Begins at Home

In my own experience of family, power and the sharing of power has been a major issue.  We don't always communicate well, we spent so much of our lives on silent mode- hiding shameful acts of abuse that happened to me as a child.  All the hiding made me an angry person in my youth, because who I was was not accepted and loved by my family for who I was.  This was an imbalance of power and a shunning of sorts. I found acceptance and love from other individuals who were angry with thier families also.  This only multiplied the power issues around me, because we didn't not understand that we were carrying forward abuse from our families to the relationships.

Our family went through lots of therapy, but that doesn't mean that we learned to share power better.  We learned to communicate better.  Still today, I find that when I am ill my parents want to rush me to the hospital in hopes what will pop out is a healthier child.  I have found that the hospital has been a great place to access medication, but nothing really substantive happens there for me.  Medication can be accessed in the community and a hospital isn't really required for people that are not a harm to themselves or others.  I have learned when they hospitalize me that I have to forgive them for turning to the only problem solving they understand. 

Internally, I have felt very wronged by my hospitalizations that have occured while I have been working with a medical team.  The only one that made some sense for me was the first one, because I was so very confused, afraid of everyone on the planet, and driving to anywhere and nowhere. The times hospitalization has been used to resolve my parents discomfort with my condition is an imbalance of power.  Its like saying we can't accept and love you as you are, so we are going to hospitalize you.  It is a knee jerk reaction that has been ingrained in many families for years.  This is apparent in the old  saying in Georgia, "If you don't behave, I'm going to send you to Milledgeville."

When we include people in our families that have differences and learn to sit with discomfort, we can allow our children to work with medical teams in the community and remain in the community.  Digging up hidden family secrets can feel like the rug of life has been pulled out from under a parent, but to really stay focused on love and acceptance is not easy.  If more families can understand that discomfort is a natural part of relationships, then we can move towards a more inclusive culture.

This focus on love an acceptance is a major skill in attachment building.  Attachment is the bond between a child and caregivers.  The Dalai Lama is an expert on Compassion and he says that he gained this skill from the love of his mother.  I've had to learn to love and accept my own son's differences from other children.  Just loving your children at all times, is an amazing process.  Next time your child is angry, try saying this, "I know you are angry and I love you."