Showing Up

Sometimes just showing up is a major move forward with recovery!  People get discouraged because they want to see change, but just showing up may be a gigantic step forward in someone's life towards pursuing progress!  Just admitting someone may have a drug or alcohol challenge, even if the person is unwilling to change, can be huge progress!  Just admitting your life isn't working for you may be a first step in beginning to address a challenge with mental health or trauma.  When we are well, sometimes watching those small steps is painful because we want more for the person.  It's important to remain positive and be welcoming, because it takes major courage to sit on the edge of change.  Sitting on that edge may mean just making a connection with someone and trusting them with your presence.  Stay hopeful - you are in connection to what could be the first steps ever taken forward in that persons pursuit of change!  Don't push to hard; just enjoy the miracle of presence!

Finding Myself in the Quiet Moments

Most Thanksgivings are full of activity and bustle for people.  Ever since we moved to Nebraska, there has been a slower tempo at the holiday.  Every one is special, because I have my son now and I never had him to celebrate before.  We just do not have extended family, so unless we spend $1000 or so in travel- there is just less.  This year is even slower because my husband is working on the holidays.  There are more quiet moments that I must be still in or enrich with activity.  It's the sacrifice our family makes to be in Nebraska.  It's been difficult to give up our traditions and yet we have new ones.  There is the nativity city at Cristo Rey and peach pie from Eustis, Nebraska.  There is a tree farm we find every year.  So, I asked my son this year what is he most thankful for and he said, 'Family'.  I am most thankful for the family and friends that we do have and the simple fact that I can handle the quiet moments in my own way.  

Addiction the Life Sucking Force that I Left Behind

I have often disclosed challenges related to alcohol, but never shared my story of addiction.  I was totally stuck.  I was around people that gave me a sense of belonging, but yet suck the life force out of you totally.  I hated my job and I drank at work to be able to stay there.  I only worked to stay in school.  My drinking spiraled out of control over time, when I met an occult priest.  My life of school was totally ditched, I sold my books and withdrew from all my classes to support my life with him, and the only thing that kept me alive was the vodka in the freezer.  At my lowest point I left the apartment where he kept me, I walked down the road in my pajamas drunk.  I was walking down a busy road with cars honking at me.  He pulled over to pick me up and take me back.  And in that same moment, I knew I had to go.  I hated my life with him, it totally sucked.  He left me bankrupt financially, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically.  I wanted to die.  He left me, because one day I started screaming uncontrollably.  I was so miserable.  He placed his shoulder in my mouth to muffle the screams and in that moment he realized what he was doing was wrong and he left.  I quickly became suicidal again and this time I got angry about it.  I called a psychologist and engaged in a 14 year relationship.  There was no drug and alcohol treatment.  Just talking.  I walked in and out of my misery till I quit drinking, figured out how to excel in school, and then finally started an antidepressant and I moved to another city to get my master's degree.  Then I became happy.  I still made poor choices, but I was happy and progressively made better and better choices.  I decided all my brain cells are important and I quit drinking forever.  This action supported my wellness and continues to.  Sanctuary came as I was sober and made better choices about who to be around and whom to not be around.  The cognitive components of psychotherapy didn't hurt either.  Medication is a constant, but only because I encountered bipolar disorder after this sobriety, sanctuary, and wellness was engaged.  My education only allowed me to dream bigger than big.  Education was my ultimate freedom.