13 Reasons I Won't Watch...

So I told her I wouldn't be watching 13 Reasons Why and she proceeded to tell me how she was forcing herself to watch it.  She then began to describe with little affect the way that she died in graphic detail to me.  In that moment, I thought do you know that I have lived with serious suicidal thoughts at one time in my life?  Do you know that I purposefully refraining from watching because of that.  I felt little tiny step closer to death just listening and it made me a little angry.

I don't watch violent programming on purpose, as a trauma survivor it is deeply upsetting.  As a woman, why are we so obsessed with broadcasting violence against women?  I can't watch.  I won't watch.

Why won't I watch?

1. I want to live.
2. I want to celebrate my life.
3. I want to survive.
4. I want to celebrate survival, each and every day.
5. Survival is cool.
6. Survival is glamorous.
7. I deserve love.
8. I am love.
9. I am loved and if love fails, there is millions of more people waiting for the chance to love.
10. I love my life, and I didn't always, but I have surrounded myself with the life I deserve.
11. I'm not going to let anyone stop me from living the life I deserve.
12.  I'm a seasoned survivor, it wasn't always that way, but the more I read, the more I learn, the better
       I live.
13. I don't need to watch drama to get through life, life has enough drama in itself.

Its okay to love life, seems strange that I would have to say it...and you don't have to watch!

And don't forget the Lifeline, if your putting all of life together and you just need help making sense of things: 800-273-TALK.  There is nothing wrong with talking to professionals, I have and found them to usually be helpful in gearing up for facing life.  And keep talking, because it is through connection and relationships that we heal.  Peer Support can also be a great place to start really talking, learning, and carving out the life you want.

Recovered Memory is at the Heart of Debate

I feel great energy around my hands I told him.  I haven't been able to draw hands since I was a child.  You could if you practiced he said.  I said when I was in my twenties, I wrote a letter to myself.  My therapist had me draft it with my left hand.  I said in that letter that my mother sexually abused me.  Did she?  I don't really think so.  I mean the topic was never explored with my therapist, I didn't tell her.  I definitely have memory of being sexually abused by my grandfather, but not my mother.  My mother was hostile and intrusive.  She was controlling and bitter, but I don't remember feeling that "ick" about her.  My current therapist told me a story of an induced memory and we closed the topic that this was the heart of great debate.  So, I'm trusting that gut feeling on this one.

 

My Family Garden

I ate a sugar pea pod from my mother's garden and my stomach turned.  The experience reminds me of my experience of family growing up.  We looked great on the outside, but inside was just toxic.  There were wonderful experiences too - horseback riding, ballet, jazz, piano lessons, and vacations.  They tried so hard, but at home there was so many arguments.  There were family reunions and I'm not sure I learned much from my extended family; hate speech on one side and sexual abuse on the other. As a caring person, I suffered.  These beginning layers only taught me how to find some really toxic friends and partners.  It took years to unlearn the negative thoughts, self hatred, shame, and guilt. How much has this foundation affected my experience of living a truth others can't sense?  I am really pondering the layers underneath my visions, voices, and sensory experiences that have haunted me.  My initial reaction to hospitalization was shock no one was recognizing my experience as a crime victim; and now 14 years later I'm feeling that emotion again.  I'd filed it away, but with one taste of her garden I'm there again.  Time to reread my book "Falling Into Peaces" and reflect:  Falling-into-Peaces