I'm a Butterfly...

It was a warm day.  I was visiting Washington, DC.  The cab driver had the most beautiful African accent and he turned on the radio.  As the wind sifted through my hair, the music sand, "And butterflies are free to fly, so fly away, bye-bye...."  I will never forget that moment, because even then I dreamed of being free.   I always dream of freedom.  That's because I almost didn't make it in this world to enjoy the freedom I have, I was almost pushed into slavery in another country.  So, my freedom is too precious to allow my last employer treat me the way they did.  Who on this planet would pair a childhood sexual abuse trauma survivor with designing peer support services for sex offenders?  They didn't realize, I'm a butterfly and I'm free to fly.  Bye-bye.  Being a butterfly is a beautiful identity.

Living with Authenticity

I am free.  I am freer than I have been in years for two reasons.  I didn't let economics keep me from quitting a job that was impacting my health in grave ways and I have spoken to the trauma in my life.  Each day is an invitation to live a more authentic life.  I can remember when each day of my life was like waking from a cloud, because it was so trauma laden.  Slowly the layers unraveled and in time with the inspiration of others I came to the heart of who I am.  I have spoken so loud about my trauma and now I am empowered to speak when I want to to my trauma.  There is more than a gas pedal.  There is a clutch and brake.  No one will bind me- neither by their own ignorance or their own negligence.  I will be free.  We are all meant to be free.  Finding freedom can take time, when your lost in a web of your mind or environment.  Be most patient with yourself and most of all- keep going.  Never stop in the quest of freedom- you are worth it.

Cacophony of Messages

There are a cacophony of messages in our world, its like a bizarre symphony in my head.  I have been thinking a lot about how changing my environment has changed my experience of being suicidal.  On and off for the last year I have struggled with feelings of suicide.  It was like I was alone on an iceberg, occasionally coming to shore to see my son, husband, the joy of my project I was working on, or friends and then going out again to the bitter cold ice.  I didn't want to be in my skin.  I am so happy that I was able to change my environment before I felt worse.   I think its important to speak to this struggle as I continue to read stories where people have died by suicide.  People think there is no way out, but reach out because there is always another path, a new perspective, or a new friend waiting to hear you, really hear you.  I love life and I celebrate the journey through the struggle.  I face challenges everyday and am overjoyed when I can smile.  Sometimes our body simply betrays us with fatigue that is chemical and sometimes it is telling us a truth. I watched 'Starwars the Force Awakens' with my son and I realized that sometimes moving away from a sense is moving towards a deep truth.   Sometimes change is the only choice that will respect your body.  There is always another way.