My Courage to Live

I can remember very well my father's response when I was living a life I hated at age 21 about counseling.  He said you can not call the insurance company, my job is not going well and that will cause me to be fired.  I had lost everything I cared about for a man.  I dropped out of school, because he said so.  I took risks that I wouldn't ordinarily take and allowed him to abuse me spiritually and psychologically.  I drank to cope with the daily rage that I felt inside about my situation.  One day was so bad that I just started screaming and could not stop, as a reflex reaction.  I was absolutely miserable.  Then he left me.  When he left, I felt like I had absolutely nothing to offer to life.  Somewhere inside I found more rage and I focused it on getting help.  I reached out to the insurance company told them I was suicidal and got a counselor that week.  We worked for months and in time my life changed.  I started reading books for healing and inspiration, I asked other family members to help me, and I went back to school.  Eventually I took medicines that lifted my mood a bit.  I talked about thoughts and restructured them with my therapist.  I said goodbye to people and places that I felt were dangerous and I didn't want to be in over time.  In time I found peer support that enhanced my self esteem and general self-confidence in my abilities.  The thoughts lingered here and there, coming in and out like an automatic thought even when well.  I have learned that the thoughts get louder and more detailed, when my life is not going the way I want it to.  When I'm happy with my environment and my medication they disappear all together.  Digging in and finding community through creative arts and advocacy has really given me wings.  I wish you well on your journey in finding your wings, you deserve them and it just takes time with baby steps in the direction you want your life to be in.
A great step in starting a journey of life is to connect with counselors by phone by calling 800-273-TALK (The Suicide Prevention Lifeline).