How education changed my world...

In the 6th grade I learned the abuse my maternal grandfather subjected me to had a name in class.  I was a quiet student that cried at night because I thought I wasn't pretty.  As boys became interested in me in high school, I lost interest in books.  It took me 3 years to figure out what I was doing in college.  I had outer body experiences of just being numb.  Cutting relieved my anxiety, but the act scared me.  I went to the counseling department and they got me into drawing my feelings.  After an abusive relationship ended and I was suicidal, I found a psychotherapist.  I learned to overcome my deep fears and sadness with the assistance of psychotherapy and medication.  Icing on the cake came when I moved away from my hometown to get a graduate degree.  The change of environment and friends gave me the greatest sense of security.  While my fears returned after getting my masters, my education was always there to open a new door with a new job invariably.  I learned to live with deep fears and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder that I always felt was really PTSD.  I was flooded by fears and memories of all I did to survive in my college years. The diagnosis felt like a sock in my mouth to cover up my experience as a crime victim.  I felt sub-human with this label and alienated from humanity, as my friends abandoned me one by one.  As I recovered I found peer support education.  Peer support was my key in returning to humanity.  I found support and friends, then ultimately a career I love.  The more I learn about trauma, the more in my skin I become.    My education in peer support and psychology were life changing.  

Freedom in Education

My mother told me I would come home in a body bag.  My uncle told me I wouldn't make it back.  I couldn't hear them, all I could hear was the promise I would become wealthly.  The first realization I was not with ordinary people came when I stepped on Chinese soil and they were relaying a story of eating the brain of a live monkey in a restaurant.  We were there to be Los Vegas style entertainers.  I had practiced with a choreographer for a month and just saw the New York chorus line in my head.  It wasn't easy being away from home, but I just knew I had become famous the way strangers were so eager to greet me with 'nihow' or hello as I would pass the shops and markets.  I was so very alone, even next to the 15 women that had traveled with me.  I realized it was all falling apart when I heard her voice.  I can't see her face in my head anymore, but I can hear her telling me the management had called a meeting and collected everyone's ticket home and passport.  I felt suffocated by everything around me and asked the casino operator that had spoke to me on occasion to buy me a ferry ticket.  No one saw me slip out of the hotel into a taxi.  I left behind two large suitcases of belongings.  It was all about survival.  I tried to fight back by talking to an attorney, but his response left me afraid and quiet.  I survived, but to this day the fate of the other women is a mystery to me.  I wasn't a hero.  I quietly struggled with my fears and sadness.  I managed to get my degree and find meaning in work.  I can't turn away and be quiet anymore.  Twenty years have past and all is beyond the reach of justice.  I will talk through my art and find a way to create educational opportunities for others in my shoes.  My education freed me.

I Can Stand (End Human Trafficking)

What she told me, her words, alerted me that the house was about to burn down around me.  I immediately took in all that was happening in that moment and knew I must escape.  I shut down into silence that has lasted for years.  I didn't know how to break the silence, even after I was free.  I will not claim to be a hero.  I only found my own freedom or the courage to write this after watching Malala, the girl that would not be silent- I realized I can speak.  I will be starting a mission that I am just beginning  to learn about.  I will be selling my art to raise funds for a scholarship opportunity for human trafficking survivors.  It was education that led to my ultimate escape.  A friend of mine recently witnessed human trafficking, keep this handy- national hotline (888.373.7888) for reporting human trafficking.   The signs to look for are on this website link-http://www.polarisproject.org/human-trafficking/recognizing-the-signs

27 million men, women, and childen are enslaved worldwide and only 40,000 enslaved people were identified in the past year according to a June 2013 report from the State Department.  This is a link to the comprehensive report- http://www.state.gov/documents/organization/210737.pdf

It is my belief that we all have a role to fill in breaking the silence and ending modern day slavery.

Fighting to Reach Out (Suicide)

I think it is important to talk about suicide among those of us with mental health diagnoses.  If we remain silent, those around us will too.  Feeling suicidal is quite common.  One person dies by suicide every 15 minutes and it is the 11^th leading cause of death in the US, according to the American Psychological Association (1).  Of those of us with mental health conditions, we are particularly at risk.  Multiple studies have found that 90% or more of people that die by suicide had a mental disorder at the time of their death, the most common one being depression (2). 

I remember that in college, while earning my master’s degree that one sign of depression was being slowed down that the feeling was like ‘walking through pea soup’.  Well, as a survivor of depression, I had found the experience to be much more painful.  It is like an open wound that stings loudly inside that you would do anything to silence.  The worst part is that it can’t be seen.  I remember in my college years, I would go to school and do my best to learn.  When I came home and put my books down, I would cry endlessly.  It was a cry that would erupt every evening for months.  I wondered if everyone was so unhappy with life.  Nothing about life seemed good.  Food and activities seemed like there was a big gray film drawn over them.  I would just cry at home alone.  The sadness was like a pool that didn’t end.  I began to devalue myself and got hooked up with people that devalued me.  I numbed my pain with alcohol.   Finally, I began to consider suicide as an opportunity to end it all.  I had one thread left and that was reaching out to the therapist that I had been avoiding calling, because my father said that he would be fired from his job if I used his insurance to access mental health benefits.

I decided in that moment that my life was more important that my father’s job and I picked up the phone called the insurance company and accessed a therapist.  She over time changed the way I looked at the world, the way I thought, and even the activities and friendships that seemed to be leading me further into the abyss.  It took time and an antidepressant helped, along with knowing I wasn’t walking alone.

I am finding myself really angry about Robin Williams’s death.  Whatever is keeping you from reaching out and finding some assistance, please fight for your life. Today there is a national hotline: 800-273-TALK that folks can call, making it even easier to break down barriers to getting assistance in that moment of desperation.

I have created a beautiful life around me, I wouldn’t have known this was possible then, but it just takes time.  I have a son and a husband that keep me laughing during the painful times and remind me that life can be fun.  There are many people out there to connect with and create times of joy.  One other great way to connect with others I have found is peer support.  There are other people with behavioral health conditions that reach out and support each other.  We share wellness resources, stories, and even design conferences, like Alternatives.   

It’s not that I live a pristine life free from all suffering, but I have some amazing tools to deal with the challenges.  Some I have designed, some fellow peers have designed, and some come from professionals.  Reach out and don’t sit in silence.

1.  http://www.apa.org/education/ce/suicide.pdf

2. www.afsp.org/understanding-suicide/key-research-findings

Finding Sanctuary

I realized this paper says all I need to for now, stay tuned, you can copy and paste to your browser...

www.dsgonline.com/rtp/wh/2013/2013_01_10/WH_2013_01_10.html

Surviving in Secret

She said it wasn't a near miss, she said I was part of it.  Other people had told me I was nearly a victim, so her confirmation meant a lot to me.  I had so many feelings that she understood that I can't describe.  She understood the risk.  She also described the risk of what my silence might mean for others as well.  It's not fair that living your whole story might create diving lines.  I live with discrimination today, but if I were to share my whole trauma story what discrimination would I face as a woman.  As I confronted all these questions she reflected in the manner that gave me peace that- 'you are a quiet stream shaping the rocks underneath you.' And I am sitting on the edge of great truths today, because of peer support from a fellow survivor.  There is more to say. But I don't have to till I'm ready that is part of what surviving is about.

Humanity & Labels

What is in a name, when it comes to diagnoses?  There are all kinds of experiences a person can have in life that run out of the ordinary.  Some of have more of these experiences and with greater intensity than others.  The placing of a label on a set of behaviors may be very useful for a doctor, but not so great for people who are trying to live life on human terms.  Labels are names that shorten conversations emensely and can create great distance from what we want to experience in connecting with life itself.   We can even forget we have a story and the label becomes our story.  It's like when a child first sees a beautiful and magical creature fluttering through the air and we label that magic- bird.  The child never sees a bird again with the same mystery and begins to label all birds- bird.  I'm not saying we are children, but that labels can be a distraction from getting at the essence of life.  I don't take medication today because someone gave me a label, I take medication because it helps me to feel safe in a world that can be quite frightening.  As a woman and victim of crimes, I see the label as a distraction from deeper truths about our culture.  They really assist medical professionals that provide me with care, but they don't do much for me.