Addressing Trauma with Your Psychiatrist...

Its easy for clinicians to see through clinical lenses, if they have not been trained in trauma and even if they have.  Treating trauma and validating appropriate social responses is a dance.  If we only speak of our fears to our psychiatrist, we may find appropriate social fears being medicated away.  We have instincts and its important to listen to them.  Its also important not to be afraid all the time.  There is a fine line between being a trauma survivor and acting appropriately based on knowledge learned and the real realities of mental health conditions.  Recently I found myself reminding my psychiatrist that while I was afraid to turn corners of allies downtown alone that this was also an appropriate social response for a woman.  She jogged what I said through her head and had to add that into the equation.  We must dialogue about trauma with our doctors, so that we don't end up medicating away our appropriate social instincts.

May Love Be Stronger than Fear

It could have been any of us, because you don't have to be gay to be in a gay bar.  I've been to gay bars with friends.  I also feel this is an assault on young people, because they need open space to discover their identity.  I can remember thinking I was gay in my 20's.  This act is so cowardly and fear is at its heart.  We destroy what we fear.  My heart is with all my friends and mentors that are from the GLBTQ community.  May love continue and be stronger than fear.

Surviving Trauma

Being a trauma survivor in a family of trauma survivors is awkward, because no one else is talking about their trauma.  I've been blessed by so many opportunities to have dialogues on trauma, but my family has not.  The picture of a (deceased) pedophile still holds a place of honor in my family and that is just amiss for me.  How can we celebrate together with these symbols?  I guess the force of honoring the victims in our family is not given voice and upholding myths of honor is easier.  I truly love my family and yet I feel they don't really know me or want to, at least this outspoken part of me.  The dialogues of our families should change and honor victims of violence or at least value their stories with greater weight than keeping myths alive.  As long as the myth lives, I will feel protective of my son around them.   Lines are drawn in our family and in our culture about listening to trauma.  Its easier to honor mythical figures that really don't exist than to feel the pain of the victim.  

I'll Never Choose Segregation

I read the schools in GA have segregation for children with disabilities.  I have been asked to send my son to a "special" school by other parents to get the great reduced classroom style learning.  Frankly, as a woman that's been segregated in hospitals, I cringe.  I don't want to give my son less than the full experience of life and that includes diversity.  It's like locking flowers outside the garden of life.  I want to see and experience all of life, including people that may seem different.  I would never choose to be in a segregated environment and I wouldn't choose one for my son.

I'm a Butterfly...

It was a warm day.  I was visiting Washington, DC.  The cab driver had the most beautiful African accent and he turned on the radio.  As the wind sifted through my hair, the music sand, "And butterflies are free to fly, so fly away, bye-bye...."  I will never forget that moment, because even then I dreamed of being free.   I always dream of freedom.  That's because I almost didn't make it in this world to enjoy the freedom I have, I was almost pushed into slavery in another country.  So, my freedom is too precious to allow my last employer treat me the way they did.  Who on this planet would pair a childhood sexual abuse trauma survivor with designing peer support services for sex offenders?  They didn't realize, I'm a butterfly and I'm free to fly.  Bye-bye.  Being a butterfly is a beautiful identity.

Living with Authenticity

I am free.  I am freer than I have been in years for two reasons.  I didn't let economics keep me from quitting a job that was impacting my health in grave ways and I have spoken to the trauma in my life.  Each day is an invitation to live a more authentic life.  I can remember when each day of my life was like waking from a cloud, because it was so trauma laden.  Slowly the layers unraveled and in time with the inspiration of others I came to the heart of who I am.  I have spoken so loud about my trauma and now I am empowered to speak when I want to to my trauma.  There is more than a gas pedal.  There is a clutch and brake.  No one will bind me- neither by their own ignorance or their own negligence.  I will be free.  We are all meant to be free.  Finding freedom can take time, when your lost in a web of your mind or environment.  Be most patient with yourself and most of all- keep going.  Never stop in the quest of freedom- you are worth it.

Cacophony of Messages

There are a cacophony of messages in our world, its like a bizarre symphony in my head.  I have been thinking a lot about how changing my environment has changed my experience of being suicidal.  On and off for the last year I have struggled with feelings of suicide.  It was like I was alone on an iceberg, occasionally coming to shore to see my son, husband, the joy of my project I was working on, or friends and then going out again to the bitter cold ice.  I didn't want to be in my skin.  I am so happy that I was able to change my environment before I felt worse.   I think its important to speak to this struggle as I continue to read stories where people have died by suicide.  People think there is no way out, but reach out because there is always another path, a new perspective, or a new friend waiting to hear you, really hear you.  I love life and I celebrate the journey through the struggle.  I face challenges everyday and am overjoyed when I can smile.  Sometimes our body simply betrays us with fatigue that is chemical and sometimes it is telling us a truth. I watched 'Starwars the Force Awakens' with my son and I realized that sometimes moving away from a sense is moving towards a deep truth.   Sometimes change is the only choice that will respect your body.  There is always another way.