Recovered Memory is at the Heart of Debate

I feel great energy around my hands I told him.  I haven't been able to draw hands since I was a child.  You could if you practiced he said.  I said when I was in my twenties, I wrote a letter to myself.  My therapist had me draft it with my left hand.  I said in that letter that my mother sexually abused me.  Did she?  I don't really think so.  I mean the topic was never explored with my therapist, I didn't tell her.  I definitely have memory of being sexually abused by my grandfather, but not my mother.  My mother was hostile and intrusive.  She was controlling and bitter, but I don't remember feeling that "ick" about her.  My current therapist told me a story of an induced memory and we closed the topic that this was the heart of great debate.  So, I'm trusting that gut feeling on this one.

 

My Family Garden

I ate a sugar pea pod from my mother's garden and my stomach turned.  The experience reminds me of my experience of family growing up.  We looked great on the outside, but inside was just toxic.  There were wonderful experiences too - horseback riding, ballet, jazz, piano lessons, and vacations.  They tried so hard, but at home there was so many arguments.  There were family reunions and I'm not sure I learned much from my extended family; hate speech on one side and sexual abuse on the other. As a caring person, I suffered.  These beginning layers only taught me how to find some really toxic friends and partners.  It took years to unlearn the negative thoughts, self hatred, shame, and guilt. How much has this foundation affected my experience of living a truth others can't sense?  I am really pondering the layers underneath my visions, voices, and sensory experiences that have haunted me.  My initial reaction to hospitalization was shock no one was recognizing my experience as a crime victim; and now 14 years later I'm feeling that emotion again.  I'd filed it away, but with one taste of her garden I'm there again.  Time to reread my book "Falling Into Peaces" and reflect:  Falling-into-Peaces

I was one of the few that made it.

My story of human trafficking is one of escape, but I believed I escaped because I was an outsider always flirting with the flame, but never getting too close.  I had dreams, dreams of becoming a psychologist that I held tight to.  I worked one or two days a week, then went to school.  I was miserable but I had a dream to hold on to.  My therapist recently said that they had never met an x-club dancer that wasn't a addict.  Well, I was there for a while drinking to stay stuck but I moved beyond with therapy and eventually an antidepressant.  What I'm trying to say is that not everyone is so lucky.  They break you down bit by bit slowly till they have you as property.  I can remember this clearly as new management came into the Gold Club.  First it was "you need to lose weight".  Then it was referring to us as "f-ing whores".  Then its "dance on stage or this billionaire that is having a party and see if he likes you".  Then its "get in our limousine".  Something clicked I refused and I was fired.  This is a story I forget frequently, due to the trauma of the build up.  I went to the state of Georgia Dept of Labor and they took their side.  How long till we realize the gravity of these clubs?  How long till we recognize the women being slowly brain washed into submission?  Well, I'm not suing anyone, I just want to say it because really no one is.  I just had to say it.  This is not my story of where or who is responsible for my human trafficking experience.  There is more to say, but this is as much as I can.

Why the 21st Century Cure Act is at the Heart of Everything

I have heard the words cure and mental health only one time before, in the Presidents New Freedom Commission Report.  I can hear this report in my head, "envision a future when everyone with a mental illness will recover, a future when mental illness can be prevented or cured...."  Are we at that day with this legislation, I don't know really.   I do know with some maverick legislative moves NAMI advocates version of a bill usurped a painfully crafted compromise bill that involved a broader spectrum of advocates.  There is a spectrum of mental health advocates, this is very important to note.  We don't all agree easily.  Where we seem to disagree is at the heart of this word "choice".
Key components of the Cure Act's mental health components are centered around the civil right to choose treatment, or choose whether or not I want my mom to know where I am.  I have had my civil rights taken many times and during these times I always take away my mothers visitation rights.  My mother makes me very angry when I am ill, which just leaves me more ill.  
The first time my civil right were taken, I was obsessed on the loss of freedom for months as I languished in 4 hospitals in 2003.  I hated the notion of taking medication.  There was a man that told me, "You will take medication for the rest of your life."  Well, I was determined he was wrong and he was.  I came in contact with the consumer movement.  There are leaders within the movement that claim their recovery does not include medication.  They claim the oppression of psychiatry is wrong, that it is wrong to force treatment.  Well, when there are beautiful alternatives like peer support that made sense to me.  I came off my medication with a psychiatrists assistance so I could give birth to my son.  I went four years med-free.  I loved my life, but the truth was I was a little fearful of others during these years.  See I am a victim of many crimes, and when I am not on medication fear is really an exaggerated experience.  This experience of fear snowballed and exploded at a time where I almost lost everything.  I was hospitalized against my will again in 2011.  I was sure my coworkers had put nuclear waste in my water supply.  I drove my whole family to Georgia, thinking the nuclear waste was following me in the trucks passing.  I took my son to Children's to treat him for radiation.  They were so kind to assure me that he wouldn't have his fine motor coordination in tact with the stickers they gave him, if he had radiation damage.  They quickly moved me to a hospital and I became sure my entire family was being crucified on the roof of the hospital.  I was sure this was being broadcast on the TV.   The whole experience was traumatic and horrible, but the truth is if I had driven my car to a peer respite I helped design, they would have turned me away as being too serious.  
What I am trying to say is in that moment, I chose medicine.  I would do anything in the world to make that experience go away.  The medicine has kept it away and I am glad I was hospitalized that day.
So, I was talking about cures, the Cure Act is promising as its titled.  The problem is the mental health reform legislation that is being folded in is a early version.  The compromised version that included the voice of all advocacy groups was trashed.  I am not saying one is better than the other, but I am saying that all voices belong.  If it weren't for the consumer movement, I wouldn't have had support in choosing to have a son.  My life would be so different without his laughter.  If the hospital had not forced my treatment the second time, my son might not have the mother that he does.  I think that until our world is very different, we need both to exist.  Real choice can not exist, without all the voices at the table.

Points Made the Difference!

Our family has experienced a great deal of unrest this Halloween season, but it all has turned around with a point system.   We never really instituted a earning system for our son.   His goals came in the picture when we had money and focus, but we never were very planful.  The doctor said what's happening is genetic and we were giving him the caring environment he needed.   I think caring is important, but tapping to into a child's goals and dreams with parental expectations can really change an emotional overload for a child.  So he has a chore list of expectations and a reward for meeting most of them on a daily basis.  It's been like a light switch miracle to some real challenges.  So simple and so easy.  I remember what a hard time I had when people weren't cueing into my goals and dreams, so I feel stronger as a caring parent with this system.

A New Seasons of Love Song

2,181,423 People

2,181, 423 People

2,181,423 People

Attempt or Die by Suicide in A Year

In children, in teens,

in adults, in older adults,

in women, in men,

in veterans, in the US,

2,181,423 People

How do you measure a year in living?

How about love?

How about attention?

How about prevention?

Measure in love

Seasons of love

Seasons of love

 2,181,423 People

2,181, 423 People

2,181,423 People

How do you measure the life,

Of a child, woman, or man?

In the truth she learns

Or in the time times that he cried

In the bridges he burned

Or the way she lives

Its now time to sing out

The story will change

Let’s make it zero

Remember a year in life of friends.

Remember the love

Remember the love

Remember the love

Measure in love

Measure in love

Measure in love

A Halloween Surprise!

So I have spent weeks worrying about my son's psychological health, because he came home telling me that there are ghosts in the bathroom at school.  So, I explained this to the pediatrician and she gave me an assessment.  She referred me to a psychologist.  Luckily, my son and I see the same psychologist  We went to see him.  I told him the story and he offered an assessment.  I decided not to do an assessment, because I was going to purchase a really fancy assessment from Emory that would tell me about multiple possibilities.  I worry about the possibilities, because I live with a diagnosis.  So, the hour passed and he called me in.  Turned out the light in the bathroom at school was flickering and the boys collectively decided there were ghosts in there.  They discussed fiction and fact.  So, I realized after all that that the story is so much more important than the diagnosis.  I was freaking out for weeks about this for no reason, but what a great halloween surprise to find he is healthy!  I'm glad there are psychologists out there with a sense of practicality.

Happy Halloween!