I love ZUMBA!!!

There is something about ZUMBA!!  If you were to watch me Zumba, I would be the medicated woman going left when your going right.  I'm always on the back of the beat with the move.  As a trauma survivor, I cover as much of my body as is possible for the weather (sometimes I wish I were Muslim so skin showing just wouldn't be allowed).  Despite all these barriers, I just love Zumba!  There is something about the beat and the moves that sings to my soul.  There is something about the warm smiles and happiness of the instructor.  Then there is the rule that there is just no wrong moves, no judgement.  My body sometimes feels like it lives in a box and Zumba lets my body soar.  The choreography is constantly testing the limits of my coordination and I know that is so good for my brain and my mental flexibility.
There was a Zumba challenge tonight where we had two teams and a dance off.  The two sides of the room had to dance closer and closer to the other in a battle.  It was so fun spirited, it lifted my spirit.  I couldn't make eye contact in the Zumba battle, but I'll get there.
I wish they had Zumba in the office, the hospital, and in all those places that feel boxy.

Before trauma, early in healing or years down the road...exploring the sensory system in trauma.

Explorations of the sensory system can have many purposes.  They can assist in healing trauma or they can assist people to be more keenly aware of their sensory system in the pursuit of making people more aware of when trauma is occurring to give them voice.  There are several sensations to explore sight, sound, touch or texture, vestibular or how movement affects you, smell, and tastes.  The best gift I have received in a long time was a bag of sensory gifts:
scented candles
scented hand sanitizer
scented soaps
a beaded bracelet
These items were received at a leadership retreat with a theme of healing trauma.  I have really not been in tune with my sensory system, aside from a warm bath or hot tea, in this way in a while.  The gift sat there for a long while.  I was ignoring the invitation to explore.

Then as I was describing self-compassion to a friend, she asked what if you just can't love yourself in giving the gift of compassion to the self.  I realized that most of the trauma healing books I have read have explorations of the sensory system in the beginning.  This is where we find the self again by deciding what we like and don't like in terms of sensory experiences.  Being open and curious about ourselves can deepen our experience of the world.  I took the jasmine soap and Laguna candle out of my collection and had a bath.  I used to sing in the bath and I rediscovered my voice's mello tones, revisiting 'I cover the waterfront".  The whole next day I felt totally connected to my body and like I was enough in myself.  I invite you to explore your sensory system and be curious about the self.

Showing Up

Sometimes just showing up is a major move forward with recovery!  People get discouraged because they want to see change, but just showing up may be a gigantic step forward in someone's life towards pursuing progress!  Just admitting someone may have a drug or alcohol challenge, even if the person is unwilling to change, can be huge progress!  Just admitting your life isn't working for you may be a first step in beginning to address a challenge with mental health or trauma.  When we are well, sometimes watching those small steps is painful because we want more for the person.  It's important to remain positive and be welcoming, because it takes major courage to sit on the edge of change.  Sitting on that edge may mean just making a connection with someone and trusting them with your presence.  Stay hopeful - you are in connection to what could be the first steps ever taken forward in that persons pursuit of change!  Don't push to hard; just enjoy the miracle of presence!

Finding Myself in the Quiet Moments

Most Thanksgivings are full of activity and bustle for people.  Ever since we moved to Nebraska, there has been a slower tempo at the holiday.  Every one is special, because I have my son now and I never had him to celebrate before.  We just do not have extended family, so unless we spend $1000 or so in travel- there is just less.  This year is even slower because my husband is working on the holidays.  There are more quiet moments that I must be still in or enrich with activity.  It's the sacrifice our family makes to be in Nebraska.  It's been difficult to give up our traditions and yet we have new ones.  There is the nativity city at Cristo Rey and peach pie from Eustis, Nebraska.  There is a tree farm we find every year.  So, I asked my son this year what is he most thankful for and he said, 'Family'.  I am most thankful for the family and friends that we do have and the simple fact that I can handle the quiet moments in my own way.  

Addiction the Life Sucking Force that I Left Behind

I have often disclosed challenges related to alcohol, but never shared my story of addiction.  I was totally stuck.  I was around people that gave me a sense of belonging, but yet suck the life force out of you totally.  I hated my job and I drank at work to be able to stay there.  I only worked to stay in school.  My drinking spiraled out of control over time, when I met an occult priest.  My life of school was totally ditched, I sold my books and withdrew from all my classes to support my life with him, and the only thing that kept me alive was the vodka in the freezer.  At my lowest point I left the apartment where he kept me, I walked down the road in my pajamas drunk.  I was walking down a busy road with cars honking at me.  He pulled over to pick me up and take me back.  And in that same moment, I knew I had to go.  I hated my life with him, it totally sucked.  He left me bankrupt financially, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically.  I wanted to die.  He left me, because one day I started screaming uncontrollably.  I was so miserable.  He placed his shoulder in my mouth to muffle the screams and in that moment he realized what he was doing was wrong and he left.  I quickly became suicidal again and this time I got angry about it.  I called a psychologist and engaged in a 14 year relationship.  There was no drug and alcohol treatment.  Just talking.  I walked in and out of my misery till I quit drinking, figured out how to excel in school, and then finally started an antidepressant and I moved to another city to get my master's degree.  Then I became happy.  I still made poor choices, but I was happy and progressively made better and better choices.  I decided all my brain cells are important and I quit drinking forever.  This action supported my wellness and continues to.  Sanctuary came as I was sober and made better choices about who to be around and whom to not be around.  The cognitive components of psychotherapy didn't hurt either.  Medication is a constant, but only because I encountered bipolar disorder after this sobriety, sanctuary, and wellness was engaged.  My education only allowed me to dream bigger than big.  Education was my ultimate freedom.

Investing in Integration

Medical treatment is what many people focus their sights on when they encounter a behavioral health condition. The diagnosis itself can separate them from their community out of fear and stigma.  The recovery movement in the United States is focused on mentoring people back into their communities with natural supports.  A more integrated person may rely less on their medical system for support.

Traditionally behavioral health service providers have not been allowed to invest in socialization, like boardgames.  And while I agree board games are trivial in the grand scheme of integration, I believe we may have missed huge areas of social capital in terms of building integration.  Surveys and research indicate that stigma and discrimination is thick in our communities, and I think the recovery movement should do something about it. 

Why can't we have huge integration efforts where people have face-to-face encounters with people that have behavior health conditions.  There could be integrated public speaking forums, institutes within the school system, Sporting events dedicated to the art of integration, and more.  You see some of this work in the developmental disability community, particularly in Australia.  I think we don't fund social integration on the same scale in behavioral health because were striving for autonomy.  Autonomy is a great goal, but so are integrated relationships in communities that appreciate the courage of people with behavioral health conditions.

Why do we have to "fail" to get somewhere with insurance companies?

I have a wellness plan in place, but even the best wellness plan doesn't keep me from strong feelings about suicide, until recently.  Recently I began a new drug via samples from my APRN.  After months of taking it, we found out people are being told that they have to "fail" three antidepressants before they can take it.  So, I was really worried about this because after months of being free of suicidal thoughts, I might have to lose all this wellness.  So, I called the insurance company.  They tell me its on the formulary, just send in my prescription.  So I do and I wait.  I even get an email that its on the way, but something is fishy about how long its taking so I call.  I find out that they have to have my doctor fill out a form before they will give me the drug she prescribed that is on their formulary!  Can you believe this?  A good friend of mine just went into the world of disability because she can't find the right concoction for her condition.   Another friend had to "fail" six drugs to get the treatment she wanted.  Then I find something that works and I have to prove something to get what my doctor says I need and the formulary covers?  No wonder people complain about the complexities of the behavioral health system.  We can't even just get drugs that work, when we need them. I'm waiting on the answer, but I shouldn't be waiting.  The healthcare system should consider quality of life, people being well enough to pay taxes, and never making people "fail" to be well.