I'll Never Choose Segregation

I read the schools in GA have segregation for children with disabilities.  I have been asked to send my son to a "special" school by other parents to get the great reduced classroom style learning.  Frankly, as a woman that's been segregated in hospitals, I cringe.  I don't want to give my son less than the full experience of life and that includes diversity.  It's like locking flowers outside the garden of life.  I want to see and experience all of life, including people that may seem different.  I would never choose to be in a segregated environment and I wouldn't choose one for my son.

I'm a Butterfly...

It was a warm day.  I was visiting Washington, DC.  The cab driver had the most beautiful African accent and he turned on the radio.  As the wind sifted through my hair, the music sand, "And butterflies are free to fly, so fly away, bye-bye...."  I will never forget that moment, because even then I dreamed of being free.   I always dream of freedom.  That's because I almost didn't make it in this world to enjoy the freedom I have, I was almost pushed into slavery in another country.  So, my freedom is too precious to allow my last employer treat me the way they did.  Who on this planet would pair a childhood sexual abuse trauma survivor with designing peer support services for sex offenders?  They didn't realize, I'm a butterfly and I'm free to fly.  Bye-bye.  Being a butterfly is a beautiful identity.

Living with Authenticity

I am free.  I am freer than I have been in years for two reasons.  I didn't let economics keep me from quitting a job that was impacting my health in grave ways and I have spoken to the trauma in my life.  Each day is an invitation to live a more authentic life.  I can remember when each day of my life was like waking from a cloud, because it was so trauma laden.  Slowly the layers unraveled and in time with the inspiration of others I came to the heart of who I am.  I have spoken so loud about my trauma and now I am empowered to speak when I want to to my trauma.  There is more than a gas pedal.  There is a clutch and brake.  No one will bind me- neither by their own ignorance or their own negligence.  I will be free.  We are all meant to be free.  Finding freedom can take time, when your lost in a web of your mind or environment.  Be most patient with yourself and most of all- keep going.  Never stop in the quest of freedom- you are worth it.

Cacophony of Messages

There are a cacophony of messages in our world, its like a bizarre symphony in my head.  I have been thinking a lot about how changing my environment has changed my experience of being suicidal.  On and off for the last year I have struggled with feelings of suicide.  It was like I was alone on an iceberg, occasionally coming to shore to see my son, husband, the joy of my project I was working on, or friends and then going out again to the bitter cold ice.  I didn't want to be in my skin.  I am so happy that I was able to change my environment before I felt worse.   I think its important to speak to this struggle as I continue to read stories where people have died by suicide.  People think there is no way out, but reach out because there is always another path, a new perspective, or a new friend waiting to hear you, really hear you.  I love life and I celebrate the journey through the struggle.  I face challenges everyday and am overjoyed when I can smile.  Sometimes our body simply betrays us with fatigue that is chemical and sometimes it is telling us a truth. I watched 'Starwars the Force Awakens' with my son and I realized that sometimes moving away from a sense is moving towards a deep truth.   Sometimes change is the only choice that will respect your body.  There is always another way.  

God May Heal, But Medicine Is Key

I got a text from my neighbor to go her house.  I love her, so I went.  One of her friends was there selling a product...not tuber ware or jewelry...but vitamins.  She had posters and fancy equipment.  When I heard her say Dr. Oz, my mind started to wonder....wasn't he kicked out of his university or something.  I continued to listen and then she said it, "God will heal you, I had osteoporosis and this healed me."  I politely excused myself to return to the comfort of my home.  I told my husband what happened and he said the message that God will heal you is common in the Latin community.  

What if God was so good at creating he gave me a gift?  This gift made me different and at times sent me to an edge where I needed to protect me from myself and others.  If only this woman had known the trial my soul went through when I went without medication for four years.  Not only was I suspicious the entire time, but I almost lost everything when it all blew up in my face.  In the hospital I could hear a man on TV killing my whole family on the roof.  It was a nightmare that took me a whole two months to wake up from and I will never go there again.  Medication is essential, when God gives you a gift like mine.  Not only does this gift take me to the edge, but it has given me great passion for life, for art, for writing, and for working to infuse the world with hope.  So, since God doesn't make mistakes, please don't try to sell me med-free living!

I love ZUMBA!!!

There is something about ZUMBA!!  If you were to watch me Zumba, I would be the medicated woman going left when your going right.  I'm always on the back of the beat with the move.  As a trauma survivor, I cover as much of my body as is possible for the weather (sometimes I wish I were Muslim so skin showing just wouldn't be allowed).  Despite all these barriers, I just love Zumba!  There is something about the beat and the moves that sings to my soul.  There is something about the warm smiles and happiness of the instructor.  Then there is the rule that there is just no wrong moves, no judgement.  My body sometimes feels like it lives in a box and Zumba lets my body soar.  The choreography is constantly testing the limits of my coordination and I know that is so good for my brain and my mental flexibility.
There was a Zumba challenge tonight where we had two teams and a dance off.  The two sides of the room had to dance closer and closer to the other in a battle.  It was so fun spirited, it lifted my spirit.  I couldn't make eye contact in the Zumba battle, but I'll get there.
I wish they had Zumba in the office, the hospital, and in all those places that feel boxy.

Before trauma, early in healing or years down the road...exploring the sensory system in trauma.

Explorations of the sensory system can have many purposes.  They can assist in healing trauma or they can assist people to be more keenly aware of their sensory system in the pursuit of making people more aware of when trauma is occurring to give them voice.  There are several sensations to explore sight, sound, touch or texture, vestibular or how movement affects you, smell, and tastes.  The best gift I have received in a long time was a bag of sensory gifts:
scented candles
scented hand sanitizer
scented soaps
a beaded bracelet
These items were received at a leadership retreat with a theme of healing trauma.  I have really not been in tune with my sensory system, aside from a warm bath or hot tea, in this way in a while.  The gift sat there for a long while.  I was ignoring the invitation to explore.

Then as I was describing self-compassion to a friend, she asked what if you just can't love yourself in giving the gift of compassion to the self.  I realized that most of the trauma healing books I have read have explorations of the sensory system in the beginning.  This is where we find the self again by deciding what we like and don't like in terms of sensory experiences.  Being open and curious about ourselves can deepen our experience of the world.  I took the jasmine soap and Laguna candle out of my collection and had a bath.  I used to sing in the bath and I rediscovered my voice's mello tones, revisiting 'I cover the waterfront".  The whole next day I felt totally connected to my body and like I was enough in myself.  I invite you to explore your sensory system and be curious about the self.